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Fatgirl and Blobbin NOTE: This is completely true, except for the parts that I made up.
** It sounds kinda funny. I know. But it's all very simple. I was sitting at home one day, when my phone rang. It was my mother, calling to tell me that my older brother had once again fallen prey to the snares of a long-legged-skinny-bitch, or LLSB, for short. Now, my brother is a pretty smart guy. He got a degree in computer something or other, and a great job inventing things that apparently people can't have enough of. So he's pretty much like Flynn when it comes to cashflow. And he's not too shabby in the looks department either, apparently. So why does he continue to hang out with these women who only want his money? Let's ask my younger brother, Mike: "Duh!" Okay. So Mike is not quite so eloquent. But he made a point, and that point was: BOYS are WEIRD! Rather than a nice person who is willing to share their life, my brothers have to chase after bimbos who only want to share long enough to get those little pink hands on some new shiny sparklies. But anyway. I said as much to my mother that day, and she agreed, as always. Father was snoring in the background (well, it was 3 o'clock in the afternoon) but mother proceeded to tell me about Jack's recent LLSB and her spending spree, using his credit cards, at the Fashion Mall. Apparently she had to cut her shopping trip short when she had maxed his card. Mom had heard all of this from her friend Josepha, who works as mall security. Apparently Ms. LLSB had to be escorted from the mall after making some rather violent threats towards a few clerks. Well, we talked some more, and finally I hung up the phone, completely disgusted. In fact, I even admit to a few obscenities being uttered. My roommate, Fatgirl, (well, Fatgirl isn't her real name either, but if I told you our real names, what would be the point of having secret identities?!?) Anyway! My roommate looked up from her book with a puzzled frown. "Why would anyone want to do any of that to a wild mongoose?" she asked. Well, I told you I had used a few obscenities. I just happen to be creative with my swearing. So I filled her in on what was going on with my brother, and she agreed that it was a damn shame. She returned to her book and I sat and fumed for a few minutes before deciding to go out to the backyard and glare at the dog. Now. That I should explain. We live in an old apartment complex. In the 1950s, the management finally built a few townhouses at the edge of the complex and began calling itself a "Housing Co-op". Pretty silly, but the rent is cheap. So we live in one of the townhouses that jut right up against a whole run of apartments. The apartment dwellers hate us townies, mostly because we have central air. They have to make due with window air conditioners and that is not fun in the kinda heat that this midwestern state can put out. Anywho. In back of our townhouse, we have a medium sized patio, bordered with a stone wall, just high enough to lean on. On the other side of this patio wall is another patio, belonging to a first-floor apartment dweller. They own a dog. It's a garden dog. Like a garden gnome, only a dog. It is almost life-size for a doberman, and the people who live in the apartment have a strange tendency to dress it up in different clothes. (Today it was wearing, for example, a small kilt and tam. There was even a small bagpipe set between its front legs!) When I am in a bad mood, I like to go out and stand at the wall, glare at the poor doggy, and HOPE to catch the owners at their evil game. It's been three years, now, and I haven't yet seen the people who live there. So. Anyway, I was going out to glare at the dog. That day it was dressed in a small pink tutu and tiara. The front paws had little pink ballet slippers on them, properly laced and everything. The poor mutt. I called to my roommate to see the latest horror, and bring the book. We had recently begun recording the different costumes and outfits. With that record, no jury would convict us! So both of us were standing at the wall when it happened. The sky lit up with rainbows. Voices were raised in song. Light shone from a hole in the clouds above and from nowhere came a fleet of small clouds carrying angels. The strange thing was... the angels were dressed in black 3-piece suits, wearing earpieces and carrying cell-phones! One of the angels broke from the rest of the ... (what do you call a bunch of angels? A flock? a congregation?) anyway... one of the angels broke away from the OTHERS and came towards us. He-she-it (?) looked us up and down, like we were dummies in a museum, and he-she-it was the curator checking for signs of decay. Apparently we passed inspection, for the angel nodded and backed away, speaking softly into the phone it carried. The angels gathered together again, and above the singing voices I heard one of them say "perimeter secured". And then. A large cloud descended from the heavens. The singing became louder and almost happier. The light that had been pouring from the hole in the sky seemed to emanate from the cloud, or rather from the figure reclining there. It was so strong that my roommate and I both were forced to avert our eyes. We fell to the ground in awe. Neither of us were strongly religious, but we knew we were in the presence of something powerful. Suddenly, the singing voices stopped and a booming voice muttered (as best as a booming voice can mutter), "Yeesh. I simply cannot stand that heavenly chorus. I wish they would learn something other than hymns! I must speak to the HG about that sometime." I looked up, amazed to hear a female voice coming from the cloud. I was even more amazed to see a large-sized woman laying on the cloud. And I don't mean large as in 7-feet-tall-giant-large. I mean large as in FAT. "I'm not fat," the figure said. "I'm perfect. Now stand up. You're getting your clothes all muddy." We stood, and trembled before the mighty Lord... uh Lady... huh?... She smiled, and sat up, dangling her legs over the edge of the cloud. "yes," she said. "I am God. Since I am all powerful, I can appear as whatever I choose. Sometimes I am male, sometimes female, sometimes a burning bush, sometimes a giant mollusk. But." She leaned forward and her cloud floated closer to us. "No matter how I look to others, I am always perfect." So, there we were, chatting with God herself. She had come to us, however, not to chat (although we did, and had some nice ambrosia cakes and honey-tea also), but to give us an important mission. You see, God has a sis... broth... uh... sibling. Apparently, God and the Devil are related. And recently, the Devil has come down to earth again and is wreaking havoc in physical form. God wants us to find the Devil and try to stop what chaos we can. We aren't actually supposed to stop the Devil, as that would play bloody murder (God's words, not mine) with the universal balance, or something, but we were to stop any henchmen and try to keep the Devil from unbalancing the current flow of good and evil. Apparently the Devil is merely something of an evil god twin, but not quite a god, and yet not the pure personification of evil that we had believed. I really don't understand it all, yet. But we were supposed to do what we could to basically thwart the Devil's plans (again, God's words). And in order to do that, she gave us these really weird super powers. (Tada! here's the whole point!) My roommate got the power to change her shape and size. Apparently, she can also create a duplicate of herself, but we didn't find THAT out until just recently, when... uh.. no that can wait. I got the ability to basically defy gravity. I could jump and bounce and even fly for short distances. Almost like a flying squirrel, you know? So anyway. God then waved at two of her bodyguards, who gave us these really weird cellphones. "Use them to call me when you need help." she said. "But only when no one else can help! I can't become much more involved in this than I already am. It will upset the balance of the universe. I am not supposed to be personally involved in the goings on around here." Then she left. It was amazing. One minute she is in the kitchen with us, snacking on Little Debbie's Ambrosia Cakes TM (apparently God has a "friend" in the main bakery), her angels scattered in every room in the house, and the next minute, the place is spic-and-span and even the cat litter has been changed! Wow. We sat there for a minute. "We're super-powered now, huh?" My roommate smiled. She started to shimmer and suddenly grew 2 feet taller and very thin. It was weird, all right. "Yep. Just like in the comic books" I replied. I had already tested my powers, and I wasn't about to try it again. Just a tip: ceilings can hurt. "That's us! Fat-girl and Blobbin" I laughed. And so, that's how we got our names. Our Powers. and our mission from God. We were on our way to becoming super heroes.
I haven't written anything more on this yet. You can see some more FG&B stuff in my ART section, though! |